It’s been a few weeks since I’ve posted. It’s been an intense, interesting time.
It seems like every recent year around this time, I get a little restless with repetition and I have a hard time focusing and staying motivated in my current chosen field.
I grow annoyed with seeing the constant marketing emails in my inbox, the competitiveness of my profession, and chasing prospects down. In short, I lose my drive.
I don’t always feel that way. Sometimes I am all about pursuing the prospects, improving my business, doing more than the next person, and I spend hours upon hours in it.
But that’s not where I am right now. I’m feeling like doing what I want and it’s not work. I’m feeling like just being. Maybe some would say I’m feeling lazy.
I’m also not feeling very outgoing. I usually post on social media at least every other day or so. In fact, I just purchased an Instagram course a few weeks ago that I should finish. But I feel suddenly introverted and uninterested.
Just putting these thoughts together and writing them here is taking a strange amount of effort.
There are a number of things going on that definitely contribute to this; in light of which, my feelings make sense, I think.
Not only is it high summer time which is apparently a weird season for me, but here are a few other factors:
1). I’ve also got an elective surgery coming up one week from tomorrow. It should be simple cut and paste job. A mastopexy, which is a lift, not an augmentation. I’ve wrapped my head around the procedure and the healing. The part I feel serious about is the anesthesia and any other (super unlikely) risks. I’m not scared. I just feel serious. Maybe a little on edge. I’m ready to get it over with.
2). I’m having short cycles. 24 days every month since January, except this past time which was 19 days. That’s very short. That makes for lots of PMS. I’m on day 17 now, so I’m getting close. My estrogen is diving down and I’m very aware of that. Yes, I’m following up with doctors. I literally saw 4 last week. A GP for my pre-op clearance, a GI, a Gyno, and a different GP because I didn’t trust the first one. Tomorrow I’m going to a Pulmonologist for pulmonary clearance for the surgery. Yes, I’m seeing all the doctors. They all think I’m in pretty darn good shape. So that’s good.
3). Random apparent “bad-hands” being dealt around me have me in a bit of shock and awe. The biggest one being what looked like a friend’s husband’s suddenly discovered a large mediastinal tumor one week ago (she called me because it appeared to be a lot like what I had and survived over a decade ago) turning out to actually be something much more aggressive and deadly. He’s been at a cancer hospital since they discovered it and last I heard he’d been admitted to the ICU. It’s bad. I forget about suffering, for a while. Then something like this happens. Then I remember and it surprises me. I think of his life suddenly wrenched from him. I think of his wife, of his two young daughters. His mother. I probably think and feel too much. They’ve been on my heart and it’s affecting the way I’m looking at things right now. It just is.
4). Several other friends and family I know right now are dealing with struggles & challenges. I feel for them. I just feel serious.
5). My oldest daughter is leaving in a few days to travel to a country in the middle east for 3 weeks with her bio dad. She’s going to be fine. But again. I feel serious.
I don’t feel like selling anything right now. I don’t feel like pushing, right now.
I feel like spending time with my kids and husband. Holding them close. I feel like praying and meditating. I feel like writing, here or there, but not really to impress anyone. I am lacking that drive at the moment. I feel like relaxing. Watching a show or movie. Cuddling up in a blanket or with a book. Just being in the moment and appreciating it.
I appreciate you guys. Thank you.